If you were a princess guarded by a dragon, I would climb to the tallest tower by rope or vine the tips of my sturdy shoes digging within every nook and cranny propelling my body upwards towards your heavenly presence. My fingertips would grasp the ledge in determined solidarity until my stubborn form glided inside your prison cell. My feet would carry my trembling knees towards your feminine bed until I leaned down to gently kiss your plump, rosy lips to awaken you, the dragon slew. We would ride away in the sunset perched atop my trusty steed. Happily ever after.
If you were a victim of some awful kidnapping in a foreign country, I would fly overseas and rescue you. My search beginning at the airport where you landed following a logical trail towards your apartment. Infiltrating security offices and compromising video surveillance if necessary. Once the kidnappers were thoroughly identified and located, nothing could stop me. After each villainous aggressor was pacified, i would arrive and carry you. Explosions echoing in the background we would walk away lips pressed in a ground shaking kiss.
If you owned a flower shoppe working day to day with pain in your back, I would arrive and change your whole life. Romantic dates and candlelit meetings. My massive funds financing your business while you taught me the love of flowers you harbored. The two of us leading the life of simplicity carrying little to know needs until we began raising a family. Always happy.
But our lives are not that of any fantastical world found within the pages of “Pagemaster” or “Labrynth”. Nor are our lives mirror images of any action packed film requiring such heroic deeds and life threatening feats. Our lives do not even resemble a heart wrenching romance story spreading a message of simplistic love easily obtained and maintained in this day and age. No, we are not characters in a Broadway play. We are two women in different places and time whose hearts fate intertwined throughout time.
As fantastical as our love could be, as fantastical as what we have may be, as adventerous as our spirits are and as romantic as our hearts are, we must write our own tale whether romantic or otherwise.
You say you love me. I do not think you are able. Not when you wander around your own town with your heart on your hands and everyone else’s lips. Your blood trickles down your arms and leaves a trail behind that does not lie. You speak these words that you know so little about. I think your conscious just needs something to spout. My love for you provides nothing but genuine kindness and understanding. I go out of my way to make you happy best I can and you are not even mine. Your “love” for me causes only pain. You yell and curse towards me for no reason other than you can.
And still my heart bleeds for you. For you?
Or because of you?
You taught me nothing of love other than to never expect it back. Every time my heart would swell and burst with love for you, you merely glanced upon its remains littering the ground and commented on the mess I made carelessly handing me some paper towels. I am not sure I will ever be able to answer why I yearn so desperately to try to feel your love just once in this short life time. Just once to feel a genuine emotion cascading from your heart in the true beauty comparable to Niagra waterfall. But time and time again you prove just how unsuited it would become you.
And still my heart bleeds for you. For you?
Or because of you?
Only time will tell.
“And I want to play hide and seek and give you my clothes and tell you I like your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath and massage your neck and kiss your feet and hold your hand and go for a meal and not mind when you eat from my plate and meet you at ‘your house’ and talk about the day and type up your letters and carry your boxes and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don’t want to listen to and watch great films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio and take pictures of you when you’re sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee at midnight and have you steal my ‘ice cream’ and never be able to find a match and tell you about the TV program I saw the night before and take you to the eye doctor and not laugh at your jokes and want you in the morning but let you sleep for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I LOVE your hair, your yes, your lips, your neck and your breasts. And sit on the steps smoking till your neighbor comes home and sit on the steps smoking till you come home and worry when y ou’re late and be amazed when you’re early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance till I’m black and be sorry when I’m wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos AND WISH I’D KNOW YOU FOREVER and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you’re angry and your eyes have gone red and the other eye blue. […] And tell you you’re gorgeous and hug you when you’re anxious and hold you when you’re hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I’m next to you and whimper when I’m not and dribble on you rbreast and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don’t and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand why you think I’m regretting you when I’m not regretting you and wonder how you could think I’d ever regret you and wonder who you are but accept you anyway and tell about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don’t believe me and have a feeling so deep i can’t find words for it. And want to buy you a ‘puppy’ I’d get jealous of because it would get more attention than me (and Apollo) and keep you in bed when you have to go and cry like a baby when you finally do and get rid of the roaches and buy you presents you don’t want and take them away again and ask you to ‘go to brazil’ with me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don’t mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wonder the city thinking it’s empty without you and want what you want and think i’m losing myself but know i’m safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don’t deserve any less and answer your questions when I’d rather not and tell you the truth when I really don’t want and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it’s all over but hang on for just ten more minutes. […] And forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it’s beautiful learning to know you and make love with you at three in the morning and somehow, somehow, somehow communicate some of the overwhelming, undying, overpowering, unconditional, all-encompassing, heart-enriching, mind-expanding, on-going, never-ending LOVE I HAVE FOR YOU.”
Written by Sarah Kane in “Crave”. Excerpt given to me by Jessica Rodrigues.
This is the sweetest thing I’ve ever been given and perfectly describes the type of love I want to feel and be felt in return.
The pain I feel is palpable in strength and ferocity. Its anger ripping through my flesh in fits of injustice and fear. Large gashes decorate my entirety, the blood pooling at my feet in some sticky display of pain and longing. My soles adhere to the surface, glued by gallons of torment until I forget how to move. Trapped within a prison of my own mind I starve and hallucinate that it will all be fine. Months without clippers I lash out at spectators with nails of diamond and steel wanting to see their blood dance across the ground as mine. Falling to the ground from exhaustion and loss blood quickly fills my mouth dripping from my eyes and nostrils until it is all I taste and feel. Heart wrenching sobs fill the silence.
I am damaged.
Crimson drops splatter across the ground as some goth band’s morbid drum beat pooling beneath my cheek until it is too sticky to speak. Only one constant remains as endless feet tread past.
The pain. Palpable to touch and too intense to feign. It fills my days and haunts my nights until I cannot even sleep. The pain of knowing my love does not want me anymore. And the unbearable pain from knowing I respect and love myself too much to ever want her back. Glued in place but not in time. Cursed to watch her life progress while struggling through mine.
Love can be for now or forever,
Heart’s can promise always or never.
But these lips only know this,
True feelings always show in a kiss.
Lips trembling to speak and tongue dancing betwixt sharper teeth, dreaming of loving utterances caught adrift by one lover’s anxious ear.
How can it be that this has become of me?
Such a pitiful soul thirsting to be free.
Tempted and tainted by confusing spirits
Aching from deep seated fears causing confounding wits.
Watching by distance equal to countries width
LIstening as her tortured spirit empties forthwith
Crying withing at burning desires to comfort
Breaking at her denial of love’s many perks.
How can it be that this has become of me?
Soulfully offering all of me
Asking one spirit for fellow love in this time of need
Diminished downwards to the size of God’s first seed
Yearning to sprout through the Earth once again
refusing to accept the coming of the final end
Blessing those who share and rejoice in love
Thanking the holy rains above.
Rising from dew and dust, dominating clouds of stars
Catching lover’s heart strung prayers
Illuminating naive children’s nighttime fears
Calling downwards to Nature’s few
Two spirits combine beneath the darkened sky
One action signifying completion that night
One simple heartfelt cry.
Your blue eyes meet mine for the very first time and perplex my mind. Your hair waves in the wind like amber waves of grain and suddenly sky meets earth and my strength loses all its girth. Your smile lights the room and I find myself blinded, stumbling from room to room attempting to turn off all the light fixtures with one hand and two left feet. My hand clasps yours and I spin you towards the grassy meadow. Hundreds of couples dance around, one in white with flowers in her hair. We twirl and frollick through the trees and brush, barefoot and wondrous. Your eyes continuously focused upon mine. My hand tightens around yours in reflex, a smile upon my lips. Blue skies spin above our heads, the forest canopy creating a mystical kaleidoscope just for our eyes to witness, a beautiful bouquet given by nature herself. Joy spreads like wildfire within my heart as I pick you up and twirl you lightheartedly for the forest sprites to see as they dance around your halo. Nothing so beautiful has been witnessed since Aphrodite created herself. I thought these feelings and thoughts would never end. We would remain within those trees and meadow for all our days, laughing and dancing as if tomorrow would never come.
Until I awoke alone in my bed.